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  • - * 13 DOORS OF X* *Meeah Williams* The Barking Cat Press * 2015 Brooklyn, NY * Seattle, WA copyright 2015 Meeah Williams/The Barking Cat...

Friday, May 20, 2016

=I'd kill myself but I'm afraid I'd botch the job=

and even I can't imagine that my life would be improved by becoming a bedridden vegetable tended by a non-English speaking healthcare aid in a state-run facility. 

I wake up from a dream that it's not even worth recounting: something where I couldn't manage to say a four-digit number no matter how hard I tried. That's all I'll say about it. 

Except that it also had something to do with Maine.

Where I've never been, by the way.

It's not even five a.m. yet but I know I'm not getting back to sleep. I've already begun the day whether I like it or not.

I reach over to the nightstand and grab my iPad. 

I check my email. Deals. Last chances. 75% off. Viagra. Porn. 

There's an email from Satan. I scan it. The usual. Lost soul. Anal sex. Burnt offering. I hit the "keep new" button and save for a more careful perusal later.

Nothing going on at my blog. 

Or on Twitter.

I check my online horoscope and it says, "Wake up and smell the coffee, you stupid cunt! He doesn't love you anymore! What does he need to do to prove that to you? Hit you across the teeth with a shovel?"

I wonder if that means what it seems to mean?

I make another of the vows I find myself making lately. This one goes: I refuse to humiliate myself anymore in any way that doesn't give some guy somewhere a hard-on.

How old do you have to be before you can finally let yourself acknowledge that you're never going to be what you once planned on becoming because even if by some miracle you did become it now, it's already too late; you wouldn't enjoy it; in fact, come to think of it, you don't even want whatever it was anymore.

What was it, anyway?

I'm thinking of getting a "Best if Used By" tattoo and dating it about five years ago.

Later, in the bathroom, I have to remember to check my ass in the mirror to make sure I didn't actually already get that tattoo last night.

Last night. 

The sum total of what I can remember of it: well, I'll have to get back to you on that later. 

Or later than that. If I ever remember.

I make two lists:

Bad things about Alzheimer disease
1. You can't remember shit.

Good things about Alzheimer disease
1. You can't remember shit.

Why do I always want to say Alzheimer's disease. Like it belongs to someone named Alzheimer? Guy Alzheimer. 

My mother died of Alzheimer disease last month. The last six months of her life she'd totally forgotten who I was. She recognized me, but it was as some other person entirely. I never figured out who, maybe someone from her distant past, someone she knew before I was born. Whoever it was, she sure seemed happy to see her. Her face would light up whenever I walked into her hospice room. Not one flicker of disapproval. Not one word of reproach. This case of mistaken identity was one of the best things she ever did for me. Forgetting who I was, thinking I was someone else. Someone she really liked. It was a real gift. For once she was a good mother and I was a good daughter and I knew what it was like to be loved. Thanks, mom.

Because I make up shit like this does that make me an evil person?

I draft a suicide note:

What did you miserable bastards want from me anyway? Fuck off! Good bye. 

P.S. Please take care of Sashimi. He likes the chicken and tuna from Friskies. I think there's five or six cans left under the kitchen sink.

The pinkies on both my hands feel a little numb and weird right now. They keep hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard and I have to keep going back to correct typos as I write this. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  Does this mean I'm having a stroke or something?

I once read somewhere that people having a stroke can't smile with both sides of their face. So I stretch my face into a big skin-splitting shit-eating grin. I can see myself in 
the mirror on the bureau. I look ghastly. I sit there grimacing, quietly having my stroke if that's what I'm having, forcing myself to stay calm throughout. I imagine dying and being found in bed with this big horrible toothy-doofus smile on my face. At my wake people will say, "Well she did die peacefully in bed. That's a blessing. They say she was found with a smile on her face."

Idiots.

Sashimi comes slinking into the room, tail up, head slung low beneath sharp shoulder bones. Like a tiger hunting dust bunnies.

He sits by the side of the bed and stares up at me, yellow-green eyes unblinking. 

His small head is triangular, like a snake's. He opens his white-whiskered, alien-small mouth, but doesn't even bother using his voice. He makes a silent meow instead. He has a mouthful of delicate, thin, needle-like teeth. Like a mackerel.

This is what he's saying: You don't have time for a stroke. I need to be fed. I need to be petted. This isn't all about you. It's not about you at all. Now get the hell out of bed.

He sits there, until I do, using feline mind-control.

Like a ventriloquist, he gets me to say what I don't feel like saying. 

Meeow, I say. Meeow.

I get out of bed.

This, in case you didn't know, is why people own cats.

=zigzag watusi 7=


Thursday, May 12, 2016

=Book recently read: How the Dead Live by Will Self=

The first 150 pages of this book—describing a woman’s death from cancer—were almost unreadable; they were as harrowing as anything I've ever read. The second 256 pages—describing Lily Bloom’s experience in the afterlife—were almost unreadable for the opposite reason, being so facetious and packed with the author’s exhausting cleverness. At first, I welcomed the change in emotional gears, but as the novel dragged on (and on) the gag, never all that original to begin with (the afterlife is a lot like this life; in fact, the dead often exist side by side with the living without the latter even noticing), wore thinner than an uncle’s three-strand comb-over. Will Self is without a doubt a real maestro with the language, but this book could have been shorter by half and it’s point would have been twice as sharp.  

=It appears to be pilot time. Keep an eye. Make contact but pack for solitude. You are closer than heretofore. Kundalini. Crackers. Crutch.=


=no more!=


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

=This is a moticos?=


The next tieme a railroad rtrain is seen going its way along the grak, look quickly at the sides of the box cards because a moticos ay be there. Whether the train is standing still or speeding past you, a motics. Don’t try to catch up with it. It wasnts to go its way. But have your camera ready to snap its picture. It lkes those moments of being inside the nox. When your film is printed inand the moticos is inally seen it will not be seen, unless you past the photograph of the motoicos on the side of a box car so someone can see the motics os takes its picture. It may appear in your daily newspaper. Someone may put it there. Cut it out. Save it. Treasure it. Makes sure it is in a box or between the pages of a book for your grandchildren to find and enjoy.

The moticos is not only seen on railroad trains, but on It really disn’t necessary to see the motixoc or know where it is because I have seen them. Perhaps I might point them out ot you. The best way is to go about your buinsiness not thinking about silly moticos because when you begin seeing the , desrbing what they are or wher they are going isSo just make jsure you wake up from sleeping and go your way and go to sleep when yuowill. The moticos does that too and doesn not worry about you. Perhaps you are the moticos. Destroy this. Pste the ashes on the side of your automobile. And if anyone asks you why you have ashes pasted on the sides of your car tell them.

Or write thw ord motics on the top of your automobile. It loves moving and rain water. Not so many people will wonder. What it means. There will be no questions, hence no need for answers. And if you have an autombile, drive it to pleasant places because Have you seen a moticos lately? Perhaps you have . They are everwhere. As I write this I wish someone were here to point one out to me because I know they exist. Ray Jobnson.

=mailbox=

Merrick Parkway, Freeport, Long Island

=Unforeseen events indicate something. Work is about to surface. Expect to crawl. Take time to turn. Look. Tension. Herald a tenderfoot. Uck.=


=the flinch=


Monday, May 9, 2016

=What is a Moticos=


The next tie a railroad train is seen going its way along the track, look quickly at the sides of the box cards because a moticos may be there. Whether the train is standing still or speeding past you, m a moticos. Don’t try to catch up with it. It wants to go its way. But have your camera ready to snap its picture. It likes those moments of being inside the nox. When your film is printed and the moticos is finally seen it will not be sieen, unleless you past the photograph of th emoticos on the side of a box car so someone can see the moticos or takes its picture > It It may appear in your daily newspaper. Someone may put it there. Cut it out. Save it. Treasure it. Make sure it is in a box or tbetween the pages of a book for your grandchildren to fidna dn enjoy.

The moticos is not only seen on railroad trains, but on It really isn’t nceccary to see the moticos or know where it is because I have seen them. Perhaps I might point them out to you. The best way is to go about yourbusiness not thinking about silly moticos because when you begin seeing the, describing what they are or where they are going is So ust make sure you wake up from sleeping and go your way and go to sleep when you will. The moticos does that too and does not worry about you. Perhaps you  are the moticos. Destroy this. Paste the ashes on the side of your automobobile. And if anyone asks you why you hae ashes pasted on the side of your car tell them.

Or write the word moticos on the top of your automobile. It loves moing and rain water. Not so many people will wonder what it means. There will be no questions, hence no need for answers. And if you have an automobile, drive it to pleasant places because Have you seen a moticos lately.? Perhaps you have. They are everywhere. As I write this I wish someone were here to point one out to me because I know they exist.
-R. Johnson


=crap i scribble in my notebook=


=A host of other planets you've been working on. Privacy. Energy behind the scenes. Hocus pocus but don't lose focus. Hold off. Ion. Haunch.=


=Today on Twitter!!!=

My 100th tweet!

Sunday, May 8, 2016

=anxious man=


=Today on Twitter!!!=

Almost certainly the only picture that exists of this!

=moticos is what?=



WHAT IS A MOTICOS?

The next time a railroad train is seen going its way along the track, look quickly at the sides of the box cars because a moticos may be there. Whether the train is standing still or speeding past you, a moticos Don’t try to catch up with it. It wants to go its way. But have your camera ready to snap its picture. It likes those moments of being inside the box. When your film is printed and the moticos is finally seen, it will not be seen, unless you paste the photograph of the moticos on the side of a box car so someone can see the moticos or take its picture. It may appear in your daily newspaper. Someone may put it there. Cut it out. Save it. Treasure it. Make sure it is in a box or between the pages of a book for your grandchildren to find and enjoy.

The moticos is not only seen on railroad trains, but on It really isn’t necessary to see the moticos or know where it is because I have seen them. Perhaps I might point them out to you. The best way is to go about your business not thinking about silly moticos because when you begin seeing them, describing what they are or where they are going is So just make sure you wake up from sleeping and go your way and go to sleep when you will. The moticos does that too and does not worry about you. Perhaps you are the moticos. Destroy this. Paste the ashes on the side of your automobile and if anyone asks you why you have ashes pasted on the side of your car, tell them.


Or write the word moticos on the top of your automobile. It loves moving and rain water. Not so many people will wonder what it means. There will be no questions, hence no need for answers. And if you have an automobile, drive it to pleasant places because Have you seen a moticos lately? Perhaps you have. They are everywhere. As I write this I wish someone were here to point one out to me because I know they exist. —Ray Johnson


What is a Moticos?

The next time a railroad train is seen going its way along the track, look quickly at the sides of the box cars because a moticos may be there. Whether the train is standing still or speeding past you, a moticos. Don’t try to catch up with it. It wants to go its way. But have your camera ready to snap its picture. It likes those moments of being inside the box. When your film is printed and the moticos is finally seen, it will not be seen, unless you past the photograph of the moticos on the side of a box car so someone can see the moticos or take its picture. It. It maye appear in your daily newspaper. Someone may put it there. Cut it out. Save it. Treasure it. Make sure it is in a box or between the pages of a book for your grandchildren to find and enjoy.

The moticos is not only seen on railroad trains, but on It really isn’t necessary to see the moticos or know where it is because I have seen them. Perhaps I might point them out to you. The best way is to go about your business not thinking about silly moticos because when you begin seeing them, describing what they are or where they are going is So just make sure you wake up from sleeping and go your way and go to sleep when you will. The moticos deos that too and does not worry about you. Perhaps you are the moticos. Destroy this. Paste the ashes on  the side of your automobile and if anyone asks you why you have  ashes pasted on the side of yoru car, tell them.

Or write the word moticos on the otp of your automobile. It loves moving and rain water. Not so many people will wonder what it means. There will be no questions, hence no need for answers. And if you have an automobobile, drie it to pleasant places because Have you seen a moticos lately?Perhaps you have. They are everywhere. As I write this I wish someone were here to point one out to me because I know they exist.





=A surprise leak. Add charisma to the pile. Fireworks. A past pursuit, perhaps. Glittery evening. Guarantees. Your stand-in answers. Masked.=


=Today on Twitter!!!=

We need to stop for gas!

Friday, May 6, 2016

=man alone in room=


=mailbox-

Victory Blvd., Staten Island, NY

=crap i scribble in my notebook=


=Book recently read: According to Queeney by Beryl Bainbridge=

A dollar well-spent. Who knew that a traditional, rather stodgily-written English novel by an old English Dame of the British Empire set in the 18th century and starring some ancient decrepit dude who wrote a dictionary could be as entertaining as this one? 

Contemporary doctors diagnosing in retrospect variously theorize that Samuel Johnson may have suffered Tourette's, Aspergers, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and almost certainly clinical depression—perhaps even all four. Not to mention, though I will, gout, dropsy, colitis, and acid reflux. Probably he had dandruff, too. Back then, though, he was simply considered "eccentric." It was a simpler, in many ways, kinder, more tolerant time. Today, his many abnormalities would make Johnson a socially-ostracized basket-case destined for over-medication. But they also make him a surprisingly fascinating character upon which to base a novel.

Bainbridge follows the latter part of Johnson's life and, specifically, his infatuation—possibly more—with a married woman in whose house he is a regular guest with overnight privileges. Queeney is the woman's daughter. She's the cool-eyed witness of her fickle mother's vanity and unfaithfulness, though she retains a certain affection for Johnson himself, who, despite his temper tantrums and self-absorption, is a kind of lovable, if blustering and offensive, ultimately well-meaning buffoon.

The novel is short but hardly an easy read; it's beautifully written in that dense, decorative, mellifluously English way, which reminds you that these are the people who invented the language in the first place. As a consequence, they like to make use of as many of its words as they can in as musical a manner as possible. A straightforward sentence is almost an anathema. 

Improbably enough, "According to Queeney" almost got me interested enough in Samuel Johnson to search out Boswell's "Life of Johnson." But then, between one thing and another, it sort of just didn't happen. 





=Follow on fire. Detour. Finish pressing. Unexpected strike. It's time. Coleus. Whatever happens, you're not here. Cackle. Retrofit. Plunk.=


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

=2 rooms=



Stopping beside the coffee-maker with a cup of coffee in her hand, still not talking, not even to herself, but thinking thinking thinking. Of what? Of things to say, of course! Listen, Let me tell you something, Look—all her imaginary conversations start with these phrases or some variation of, and nothing follows, the intake of breath as if something will, but then, nothing. What is there to say that hasn’t already been said, re-said, clarified, re-clarifed, corrected, amended,  misunderstood, and in retrospect regretted, the genesis of some inextricably complicated and never to be reversed taking-umbrage-at, at best, forgotten, one can only hope? She reserves her eloquence for a sigh. Her apologies for wrong numbers. Those poor lost souls who think they know who they are calling but who’ve gotten her instead. Hello? Hello? Is this...who is this? Sorry. Wrong number. They never, not once that she can ever recall, hang on long enough to say goodbye.


=Today on Twitter!!!=

Cat on the table!

What I don't see because it's behind me!

Because it's behind me, I don't see this either!

=You're traveling as soon as it arrives. Boost the benefits of whatever. You achieve a while away. Ask for that. Feel like it. Osterize.=


Monday, May 2, 2016

=correspondance 25=



Often people and events in the world deeply trouble me, cause me a great deal of pain and anxiety. Then I remember that I’m looking through a telescope and I take my face away from the eyepiece and everything is restored to its proper perspective in reality. None of it has anything to do with me! It’s all happening, it all exists, in a distant world about a thousand light years away. I'm in an entirely different galaxy. None of what I saw has any real connection to me whatsoever! The world and everyone in it aren't my problem. What a relief! How happy I can be whenever I remember how very far away from it all I really am!

=You'll want to slow down. Mandate an incisor. Partnership. This relationship is a bit of levity. Go out. You're 18 again. System. Bang. =


=Today on Twitter!!!=

Stuck in traffic on the Verrazano-Narrows bridge, I look out the window & see this!


& this!