=Damages=

I get a letter in the mail from a lawyer informing me that I'm being sued for twenty-five million dollars. It seems that I've written a short story that has caused the firm's client a mental and physical distress so profound and irrevocable that he or she has been rendered virtually crippled, unable to work, even to feed or dress themselves unassisted. This person can no longer live a normal life and I'm to blame. The suit charges that I've been criminally negligent, unscrupulous, even  unsanitary (!) in my "so-called literary practices," that I've displayed a gross and reckless disregard for readers and that they intend to punish me to the fullest extent of the law (and further, if possible); they'll see to it that I'm made to pay for the "unconscionable" damage that I've caused. 

I don't take any of it seriously. Who would? Just another example of a society gone mad with litigation, a legal system run amok. What kind of law firm would even take on such a frivolous case? Boy are they barking up the wrong tree! Just ask my ex. Any of them. I haven't got two dimes to rub together, not a pot to piss in. My writing doesn't earn a thing. I should be suing the reading public for the psychological damage, the abuse and neglect they've inflicted on me all these years! Hey, why don't I? Of course, I should. Why didn't I think of it earlier? I get to work right away, drafting my countersuit. I pour out my heart and soul, a lifetime of yearning and frustration. I feel like a ruptured aorta; it all comes roaring out of me in one effortless screed. It seems I've hit the motherlode of inspiration.

In the meantime, the other side blinks. I reject their settlement offers out of hand, one after another: eighteen million, nine million, a "measly two million and we drop the whole matter and pretend it never happened." Fuck you! I reply in no uncertain terms. Too late now, buster. I'm not giving up, ever. You've kicked a hornet's nest. I work night and day. I'll work until I drop. I'm on a roll. No compromise, no half-measures, no settling for me! Fire up the Hubble telescope! I'm asking for the sun, the moon, the stars, both known and those in galaxies yet to be discovered.  I have no shame. I want it all. They weren't expecting this new attitude of mine, this righteous indignation. They didn't see it coming. To tell you the truth, neither did I. I didn't know I had it in me. Now it's coming out of me. It was all worth it, all the pain and suffering and neglect they've inflicted on me all these years. I'm cashing in. This is my masterpiece.