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Dear WWJD:
I've been accused of sexually abusing my next door neighbor's child. That's insane! I hate children. And the little bastard in question is particularly loathsome to me. I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole and if I did, I can assure you it would only be to drive it further away from me and I certainly wouldn't touch it there! I have no idea why the little turd fingered me of all people as the perpetrator of this (especially to me) unthinkable crime, but now I face job loss, decades of unpleasant jail time, and social ostracization forever. Please advise…

Dear WWJD:
I was minding my own business feeding some ducks at the pond and suddenly six cops came upon me and beat me senseless to the ground. By the time I finally regained consciousness Homeland Security had already identified me as a domestic terrorist. I admit that I hate what this country is doing at home and abroad but there's no way I can be bothered destroying it from within, never mind blowing myself up over it. I could give a shit, to speak in plain English, what happens to America. Let it rot and collapse in good time all on its own without my help, that's my position. Still, they want to take me away and lock me up in one of their secret black ops prisons and waterboard me without due process. How do I respond?

Dear WWJD:
I came home early from work last Wednesday with a  raging case of diarrhea and caught my husband in bed having unprotected anal sex with my mom. Coincidence? Premonition? No matter! Hubby insists that I misinterpreted a perfectly "harmless bit of horseplay" and even has the nerve to suggest that maybe I dreamt up the whole scenario but I know what I saw and I have the sheets to prove it! I can't stand the sly, sarcastic looks mom's been shooting me ever since. I feel like braining her with a frying pan. I know that's wrong, but I'm at my wit's end. Any advice? 

Dear WWJD:
My dad has accused me of breaking into his secret porn stash and leaving it all sticky but I happen to know for a fact that it was my little brother Tommy and his pervy friends who are responsible. Besides what Dad doesn't know yet is that I'm totally, raging 150% gay and the last thing I want to see is a naked woman's beaver-parts. Proof? The last time Tommy held my head down and forced me to look I barfed all over his brand new Lebron 12 Nikes. I haven't been able to look at a bowl of clam chowder ever since. Now dad has grounded me for a month and taken away all my opera CD's and James Franco posters and is threatening to keep me from going to the Lady Gaga concert I already have tickets for next week if I don't come clean. I'm desperate and don't know what to do! Any suggestions?!

If you're suffering the pain, confusion, and loneliness of persecution and desperate for real-life advice from a real-life Savior, write www.whatwouldjesusdo.com. He's standing by until the end of time.